I’m not really sure what led me to buy Parking Lot Rules & 75 Other Ideas for Raising Amazing Children
When it arrived, I eagerly started reading, and after only a couple rules, closed it up and placed it on my bookshelf. I could tell almost immediately that this book was not for me. I finally decided to pick it up again and read it all the way through to provide you with a review.
My opinion: it is not for parents practicing attachment parenting. It may be useful to Ferberizer/Baby-Trainer parents.
Here are some of the rules that I most had something to say about:
#7 Almost Always Skip The First Thing That Comes To Mind
As parents, when we see our children falter, so often the first thing that comes to mind is a harsh or judgmental comment.
Oliver is only 17 months, so maybe I’m just too new a parent, but harsh and judgmental things don’t jump into my mind when he falters. They don’t generally jump into my mind when people around me falter unless I’m already in a pretty foul mood. I think perhaps it would be better, if this happens to you, to reflect on why criticism is the first thing that comes to mind. I suggest that the next time it happens to you, try to examine what it is you yourself are feeling, and once you recognize what you are going through, maybe this will help you feel less critical in the future.
#10 Every Day Stay Healthy, Techniques to Avoid the Common Cold
This is one of many rules obsessed with germs and cleanliness. While I agree that hand washing is important, I’m not going to have my child gargle with mouthwash every time he brushes his teeth (this does not reduce the chance of getting a cold anyways, and if you are using mouthwash with alcohol, could even encourage the growth of more aggressive bacteria in your child’s mouth), I’m not going to turn away another child with a cough or sniffle by giving them a cookie and sending them on their way until they “feel better,” nor will I instruct him to “blow, cough, spit, snort, tongue-scrap, whatever,” all extra mucus from his body as it is “a harbinger of ill health and an enemy of your child’s good health.” If his nose is running, I’ll wipe it, but this other advice just seems a tad extreme. Nor will I instruct him, as described in rule #12 No Hands To The Face or rule #13 Why Germs Love Money, that he should stay healthy by never touching his face or handling money. Kids need to be exposed to some germs in order to develop healthy immune systems. I believe that a harsh, anti-germ, philosophy of child-rearing is what has led in recent years to the increase in allergies, as the immune system starts attacking the allergens due to a lack of anything real to fight.
#15 The Excellent Question Game
I was driving my son Thomas to baseball practice a few years ago. He was digging around the backseat of the car for change among the cookie crumbs and finally he asked me how much money I thought he had found.
Not intending to be mean or diminishing, I responded, “Well, that’s not really an excellent question, is it?” He asked me, “Why not?” I said, “Because you already know the answer. An excellent question would be one where you do not know the answer.”
The author goes on to describe a game played with his extended family where the children asked questions and he would rate them as “Okay, Good, Great, or the ultimate ‘Excellent question!’”
While I think it’s great to encourage your children to be curious and question things, something about this rule rubs me the wrong way. Maybe it’s that I’d like my child to come to his own conclusion about his questions, in his own time.
#23 Kids Court
Kids Court should be run like a real court. Be incredibly just with your questions as well as your verdicts. Be formal and respectful.
Kids court makes you the judge and jury in your children’s disagreements. I don’t like the encouragement of adversarial roles nor the placement of the parent as the authority over the children. This is because I believe in attachment parenting and that children and parents should work for a compromise together. Solutions should be something all parties agree to, rather than there being a judgment on a winner and a loser. That’s my philosophy and I’m not saying it’s right for everyone, but it is for my family.
#25 The Other Side Of The Freeway
This rule tries to teach your child to measure feelings. One example the author offers is the day that he needed to drop his son off for a sleepover at a friends and there was a traffic jam on the other side of the freeway:
Knowing that I was now going to be very late for an appointment back at the office, I sighed and leaned over to my Sam. “You see that mess over there? I have to drive back in all that—just to get back to the office.” He looked over at the backed-up freeway and said, “I’m so sorry, Dad. You don’t have to take me…” I smiled and said he could measure my love for him by looking at all those stoped cars.
After his son threw a Hooked on Phonics card at his face:
I did not say the first thing that came to my mind. I did not say anything for ten seconds. I did not raise my voice. When I dabbed a spot of blood from my face, I looked over at him and whispered, “If I was a hitting daddy, I would be hitting you right now.”
While I like the idea of trying to give your children an idea of the size of your love, I find the freeway example loaded with guilt. And the second example, I just find downright threatening. I would respond in this situation by saying, “OW! That really hurts! I don’t like it when things are thrown at me, it really hurts to get hit in the face.” Instead of focusing on what could be happening to them, they are forced to focus on how their actions are making you feel, which is an important lesson, I think.
#27 First Bite/Last Bite
In this rule, the child is asked to take one bite of everything on offer, in reward for doing this, they get to take the last bite of anything on your plate that they wish to. I disagree with rewarding a child with food. We just enjoy our meals, escargot, goose liver pate, and Thai red curry included, and if Oliver wants to try them, he can, if he doesn’t, we don’t make him. More often than not, he’s happy to eat everything we do.
#56 Five Very Effective Nonviolent Punishments
1. The Silent Treatment - child should be forbidden to talk or communicate in any way
2. Do NOT go to your room - make her room off limits
3. The writing punishment - have him write [a brief sentence] over and over and over
4. Make him apologize to the whole family
5. Have your child run laps
Social ostracism, drilling, embarrassment and corporal punishment do not fit into my philosophy of discipline.
What do you think of these rules? Do you disagree with me? I’m still a fairly new parent, so I’d love to hear your take.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
That “if I were a hitting daddy…” comment almost made me spit out my breakfast. And “Have your child run laps?” Eureka! There’s the solution to the American obesity problem. (Kidding!)
Quite honestly, I’m appalled at some of the rules. Wow. No Thank You!
Yeah, I was trying to be diplomatic in the review, but I found some of his comments and rules really shocking.
Wow, the only thing I kind of agree with in all of the examples that you point out is the one having the child apologize to the whole family (assuming that the child did something that hurt the whole family and assuming the kid realizes what an apology means). Aside from that, it sounds like an odd approach to parenting. I’m not doing attachment parenting (or ferberizing), but I am still with you on this one. The guilt-inducing, manipulative approaches are the worst!
I am a FREAK about hand washing before meals (when hands are in your mouth) and I trying to minimize my son wanting to touch EVERYTHING in the public bathroom. But, otherwise, I don’t stress about hands in faces, etc. Other than being mindful of germs, this book did not resonate. Instead, I’m a fan of Adler’s methods for parenting (similar to Montesorri, apparently).
Thank you for the great review. I was going to buy this book, but I have changed my mind. “If I was a hitting daddy….” and “see all that traffic…” wow.