Happy Mother’s Day! Today, I’m up early and my guys are sleeping in, but that’s fine with me because I have a little time for myself.
My mother and I butted heads often when I was young, but becoming a mother myself, and moving to another country, just as she did, have really given me a lot of insight into our relationship.
And what are my thoughts on motherhood this Mother’s Day? Recently while browsing the internet, I popped over to A Free Man and read his Open Letter to a SAHM. While the article is mostly his defense of him and his wife being working parents, with a couple barbs at SAHMs, the real debate gets going in the comments section.
SAHMs get accused of wasting their education, losing contact with reality, not living fully, and turning their kids into self-centered, spoiled brats. One commentor even refers to SAHMs as Republicans who would rage at the sight of cleavage (I have no idea where that comment came from, cause most SAHMs I know are FAR from that).
Why do we need to attack each other in this way?
I always tried to be understanding of parents who made different decisions than I did, but on occasion I would have to bite my tongue about the “bad choices” I thought they were making. With time though, and after reading Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape The Way We Parent, I’ve fully accepted that there are as many ways to raise children as there are parents, and that kids all over the world turn out fine.
There is no one right way to parent.
There are certainly wrong ways to parent: physical, emotional and sexual abuse are too common, as are neglect and endangerment, but most parents don’t do these things, most parents are trying the best that they can, and we should support them in this.
I know many stay at home parents, and I can honestly say that they are all great parents and have great kids. I also know many working parents who put their kids in day care. They are also all great parents and have great kids. I thought about it a long time, and I can’t come up with anyone I know who is a “bad” parent. (Maybe it’s because Oliver isn’t in school yet, I don’t know).
But I thought I’d address a couple of the accusations:
- You’re wasting your education - This was a difficult one for me, because for some time I wondered about whether it was true. I wondered if, by not writing my PhD thesis, I was wasting my education. But I enjoyed all those years in school, and that education has shaped who I am now. If I hadn’t done it, I would be a different person, in a different place. Just because I’m not working doesn’t mean I’m not using my education. I use the analytical skills I learned in everything I do.
- You’re lazy - Ummm, I think anyone who has spent a day with a baby or toddler knows this isn’t true. It’s one of those terms that is thrown around as a personal attack to try an undermine the other person. Small children require constant attention. It is much more stressful than work ever was for me. But I, personally, think raising my child is my most important job at the moment. Even with older children, there’s homework to help out with, soccer practice, music lessons, and plenty of other things to fill up your day.
- You’ll be bitter - I think this is more a reflection on our mother’s and grandmother’s generation. Women now have the choice to either stay home or work. Back then, women had very little choice about it, they often had little power over their own lives. That is a situation that can make you bitter. It wasn’t about being a SAHP.
- You’re not living fully - I’m living the life that I want to live. How would living the life YOU want to live give me a fuller life? This works the other way around too. SAHPs should remember that, when we start to get judgmental about working parents.
- You’re losing contact with reality - I really don’t know how to address this point. It just seems like a hurtful jab to try and question someone’s sanity. I’m sure there are SAHPs who have lost contact with reality, but I’d guess there are just as many working parents and single people who have done so as well.
- Your kids aren’t getting socialized - All the SAHPs I know do some sort of activity that allows their kids to socialize with other kids. We, for example, belong to a German speaking playgroup, an English speaking playgroup, have done a baby swimming course, and start a gymnastics course in the fall. We also get together with friends with kids at least once or twice a week.
- You’ll ruin your kid if you make them the center of your universe - I think, if taken to extreme, this can be partly true, but this is also how we are set up biologically. Look at most mothers in the animal kingdom. When they have a baby, that baby is the focus of their life until it is old enough to be independent. Focusing so much that you forget your own needs and feelings is overdoing it, but I think having your child as the center of your universe is normal and healthy. I imagine parents who work have their children at the center of their universe when they are home, and keep them in mind even when they work.
I think in the end, it’s about being comfortable with the choices you make. I think we all have occasional doubts, and we should support each other through these doubts, rather than using them as an opportunity to one-up each other.
What are you thoughts?
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks for the link and I’m glad you got something out of the post. I think I inadvertantly opened Pandora’s box with this one.
‘There is no one right way to parent’ - never a truer statement.
I’ve had to close the comments for this post because I felt things were getting a bit much. It’s Mother’s Day for crying out loud, thought it would be a good day to enjoy mothering - however you choose to do it. Hope you have a great one!
Thanks for the comment. I can understand wanting to close the comments. It was getting a little heated over there. But I thought this was the perfect day to try to bring moms/parents together, one of the main reasons for this blog
I’m a SAHM, and I feel as if people “look down on me,” thinking I’m lazy or assuming that I have no degree (I do.). I stay home because I feel like my baby needs that from me, and while it’s very difficult sometimes, I’m happy to do it!
Hi Lori. Kuddos to you for doing what feels right for you and your family. It shouldn’t matter to anyone else.
I’m thankful that in Germany it’s very easy and acceptable by all to be a SAHP. Although there may be more pressure on mothers to stay home here. I’ll have to ask some of my friends who work how they feel here.
Well, I have been on both sides of the fence— first a stay at home parent and now working. Both have presented their own unique challenges. I respect parents who choose to stay home while dealing with my own challenges of working (and my husband being gone so much!).
I think the last bullet (You’ll ruin your kid if you make them the center of your universe) is something both sides experience and is one of the primary criticisms of AP in general, and the one I continue to deal with as a working outside the home parent. Actually several of the bullets apply— I lose touch with reality when I bury myself in my work, followed by caring for my son and housework before I catch a few zzz’s and start all over again. LOL!
As mother’s we should support whatever decision another mother makes so long as the child is not abused or neglected. We do not have to like it, but we also do not have to live it!
Ya know, more often I feel looked down on because I work and go to school. I swear, every week, at least one mother says to me “I just don’t know how you do it all!” - and what I think they really mean is “I just don’t see how you can do all that without neglecting your children.”
I admit, much of that is my own projected guilt. I’d love to stay at home with my kids, at least while I’m finishing school, but that’s not in the cards for me. I’m the breadwinner in my family and we need my income. I don’t have the choice. And our first baby wasn’t planned. We “planned” to have a baby when I finished law school, but we got knocked up at a most inconvenient time - and since I just couldn’t go through with the abortion - here I am, a mom making the best of my financial situation, and being the very best mom I can possibly be when I am with my kids. Like John Lennon sang “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”
But what we’ve worked out just doesn’t seem good enough for some people. I actually had a friend try to tell me that my kids weren’t going to love me because I worked. Seriously. Well, we’re actually not friends anymore, per se. I don’t know what to say about her comment except that I hope it’s not true. I hope my kids see how hard I worked, and how much I did to give them a better life, and love me for that.
I could probably stay at home and live on food stamps like my parents did, but that’s not the life I want for my kids - and I’m pretty sure that’s not the life my kids would want either. If I were my kids, I’d be proud of my soon-to-be-lawyer mother. But some people just don’t see it that way. Ah well. That’s their problem.
I just don’t see why anybody cares whether the mom next door works or stays home. Don’t we each have enough of our own junk to keep us occupied?
I absolutely agree with you on all points. I always wonder if people who attack are doing so because they themselves are insecure about their own decisions or they just can’t tolerate differences? So long as the children are safe, loved, and cared for there really isn’t anything left to say other than, “Hmm, I might do it that way, but it’s working for him/her!”
@TheFeministBreeder: Next time you get any flack from someone just remember that it really isn’t the quantity of time spent with kids it’s the quality. Moms who work have children just as happy and well-balanced as a mom who stays at home. The trick to either is that each mom spends what time she has in a meaningful, connecting way.
Quality of time vs. quantity is always the deciding factor in any relationship. And a mother who feels accomplished, happy, and in her element (however that may manifest) is always more able to give her children quality time.
Hell, I know PLENTY of friends whose mother’s stayed home to raise them and they wouldn’t say too many nice things about their childhood so just staying home isn’t the magic wand lots of people think it is.
Wow! I am a SAHM. I am a WAHM. AND I homeschool my children. I agree with @FeministBreeder that I hope what my children will see (and my children are 11 and 8 so are old enough to let me know what they think) me being happy with what I do, take pride in me as I take pride in myself and want that for themselves and their life partners.
Everyone has an opinion. Everyone is welcome to voice their opinion. Everyone should expect to receive an opinion back and be as gracious receiving said opinion as the person they “opinionated” to!
Just my .02
@maria: Just wondering, since you’ve lived in both as a parent, do you feel there is a big difference in attitudes towards staying home vs. working between Germany and the US?
@TheFeministBreeder: Thanks for sharing your story. That’s the thing about judging people, we don’t usually know their backstory. We don’t know all their experiences and the considerations that go into shaping the decisions they make.
And that “friend” was absolutely not a friend. Friends are supportive and don’t spout nonsense like that. Jessica is absolutely right, it’s about the quality of the time spent together with your child, not the quantity. There were several commenters on the AFM post stating that they had SAHMs and have rocky relationships with their moms. My mom worked, and she totally didn’t have to, she just wanted to, and I love her. I can’t imagine her staying home would have made any difference in our relationship. Actually, I think she would have been miserable staying home and it would have negatively affected our relationship, so I’m happy she worked!
@jessica: I think it often has to do with being insecure in their own decisions. I know that when the occasional judgmental thought crosses my mind, and I really examine where that thought is coming from, it’s often rooted in some doubt I have about myself.
@sam: I think we should all be able to share our opinions when it’s done in a constructive manner, but I think if someone has an opinion that is just hurtful, like TheFeministBreeder’s “friend,” maybe those opinions should just be kept to oneself
My experience was that there is a big difference between Germany and the US while I was staying home— even while I was in Germany. With my German friends, I never felt a need to justify why I was not working. On the other hand, during the same time frame, I was constantly having to justify my not-working to US friends/family/acquaintances, etc. Once I was back in the US, the intensity of the questioning increased— when will I go back to work, why “waste” my education— many of the bullets you posted.
It was my experience (is my experience) that the Germans are much more open to the idea of delaying the return to the workforce and the government supports that situation. In the US, the maternity leave policy is short, and women are rushed back to the workforce as though the only way to be a “productive” member of society is to earn a dollar. The entire question and system is different— the policy a reflection of the culture, in my opinion.
Just my two cents…
Sometimes I find it sad that the US is so money-based. When I watch CNN, all the major stories come with a “how will this affect the economy” commentary. And now that I think about it, I think I have gotten some comments from friends in the US about staying at home here, like, “It’s nice that you live in Germany where you can do that.”
I think a big part of the problem is the stereotypes on either side of the debate. Each SAHP, each WAHP, each WOHP does things differently.
The argument about kids being spoiled was perhaps the one that spoke to me the most. Not because it is true, but because it can be true. I think that all parents need to be careful to teach their children rather than waiting on them hand and foot. I don’t think it is possible to spoil a baby or a child with too much love and affection, but you can spoil them by continuing to do things for them that they should be able to do on their own. Sometimes it takes more time to teach a child something than to just do it for them, but I think it is a worthwhile investment in the end.
@ PhD in Parenting
You’re referring to the “Permissive” style of parenting, which has been proven among child psychologists to not usually be the most effective way. Communications and Child Development experts agree that doing everything for a child, and permitted any type of behavior, often leads to low-self esteem and social issues. Being waited on hand and foot is thought of to be a very discouraging action to a child. It tells them that you don’t trust them to do it themselves, and that you don’t believe they are capable. I had a classmate recently who admitted to practicing “Permissive” parenting, and she now has two 21 year old adult twins who won’t get a job, go to school, or even pick up their own socks. And she wonders how they can possibly be so lazy and unmotivated. Well…. probably because their whole childhood she convinced them that they couldn’t do anything for themselves, so why bother?
There are two other types of parenting/management styles: Autocratic (a dictatorship - not very healthy either) and Democratic. Our house practices the democratic style - and I think that both the WOHMs and the SAHMs I know each do something very similar. I think either side could be Permissive or Autocratic, and like you said, it doesn’t really matter whether a parent goes to work or stays home, it’s about how you parent when you’re there.
@ Feminist Breeder: I think you can wait on your kids hand and foot without necessarily being permissive. You may have rules, use punishments, etc. but still never teach them to do things on their own.
That said, I agree that being permissive is not a good approach. I wrote about this in my post on my Discipline Spectrum:
http://www.phdinparenting.com/2008/10/20/my-discipline-spectrum/
I belong to a Mother’s Club in my town, and it has a mix of parents who stay home vs. do not. Its a very respectful group in terms of choices that work for your family. I work outside the home, and I know that its far easier to do that (less work!) than to stay at home. And, being a mom is the most important jobs we will have. So, I never quite understood the criticisms lobbed at SAHMs and some others lobbed at working moms. My kids are in the hands of childcare professionals who are great and have taught me lots about parenting and approaches. So, the “mommy wars” is a bit frustrating when instead we should be supporting one another.
We have more in common than not. The biggest struggle I think all moms face is getting personal time — away from kids and spouse. Racing through the grocery store alone hardly counts as being restorative down time. Part of my lack of restorative downtime is my own guilt or choosing and my taking care of everyone (except myself). These things are worth more discussion.