It seems we all here at Mamas Worldwide needed the summer off! If you are interested in writing a guest post or possibly becoming a contributor, we welcome your interest, get more details on our contact page.
It’s been a good summer for us. My son Oliver turned two and we’re still breastfeeding, two topics I want to write about in the near future, but today I wanted to write my thoughts on another subject. This afternoon we met up with some colleagues of my husband for lunch. They just had a baby together, and the mother is looking forward to putting her son into daycare at 6 months old at the latest and getting back to work full time. I was supportive of this, I know in science that long breaks can hurt careers, but she went on to interrogate me about when I’m going back to work and have I looked at all the local companies, have I talked to my friends in the industry. The idea that I would give up my career, after all those years of studying, seemed incomprehensible to her.
I’ve felt this at times myself, of course, I think we all have those occasional “What if” moments. Sure, I could be slaving away in research, or making big bucks at a pharmaceutical company, but family is more important to me than my career or money. I wonder sometimes if it might have something to do with having lost the two family members I was closest to, my grandmother and my father, and my father being only 54 at the time of his death from cancer. All I have left of my dad are the memories of the times we had together. I look forward to the memories Oliver and I will be making together. Of course working moms have those moments with their kids too, but perhaps because of my experiences (and the fact that I have the option to choose to stay at home), being with my child is the most important thing in my life.
I feel like this is the time of my son’s life where he can’t have enough of me around, and that won’t always be the case. Before I know it, he’ll be in school, and have friends he wants to hang out with, then he’ll have girlfriends, and be off to college, and starting a life and family of his own. The past two years with him have flown by, the next 20 will too.
Oliver starts Kindergarten next year (German preschool), and he’ll be gone every day for half the day. I’ll have spent almost 3 years with hardly any separation from him. Three years that will go far in forming the man he’ll become, and three years that I’ll cherish. Out of an expected 85 year lifespan, what’s wrong with devoting 3 full years, or even 10 or 18 years to my child? It’s certainly not the right choice for everyone, having a balanced life is an important example for kids too, but the way I live is what feels right to me.
{ 7 comments }
I think each family has to figure out what works for them, and because I work does not mean that my career or money is more important than my son. A lot of factors go in to whether and when to go back to work and until faced with them, it is hard to know what one would do. Our situation was complicated, and I could provide a stability for the family.
While the lady should not have interrogated you, I do not think it’s fair to suggest that her career or money is more important than family either.
I didn’t want to sound like I think working moms think money or careers are more important than family, but maybe it came out sounding a little bit like that. I was writing a little in the heat of the moment.
I understand her. Her scientific career is an important part of her identity, and losing even a couple months in research can set your career back a long ways (the same can be said in a lot of fields). Probably in part because of my experiences in grad school, I have chosen differently. And it’s not that I haven’t been tempted to work, the university here was looking for a statistician to work on an HIV vaccine trial earlier, and that was something I thought I’d really like to do and it was very tempting.
I agree with you, every family and every parent’s situation is different and we all need to find the path that’s right for us. For some that’s working and for some it’s staying home. I even read an article a couple months ago about mothers who chose to leave their families and children. At first, I couldn’t imagine it, but after reading the article, I really respected the decisions they came to.
Thanks for starting this conversation, Christina.
Maria’s points about the complexity of this issue are good ones. It’s rare to have the luxury of choice in this situation, especially in the USA right now. And having that luxury is closely related to some of the points you’ve made, Christina, both here and on your personal blog, about universal health care. Some parents work for money, some work for love, and some work so they can take their kids to the pediatrician once a year.
Having said all that, I’m choosing to go back to work full time in a couple of weeks, for the first time since my son was born. I am so grateful for the past 2 1/2 years, when I spent most of my time caring for my child. Those years have also taught me that I am not cut out to stay home with him full-time any longer.
I’ll work on a post about this in the next few days, I think it’s an interesting topic. I’d be grateful to hear from other moms around the world about their situations too.
This is a tricky sticky one… We are all so different. We have different opinions on what is best, born from our own experiences. Our curcumstances make us make up our minds on when we want to go back to work or how long we want to keep our kids at home. Unfortunately some people can get so sure of themselves that they could offend others by defending their views.
I have been on both sides of the line. Still am.
I studied. Yes, granted it itn’t anything as big as science or whatever else you choose where you have to put in many years before you may even earn money from it. But I did work many years in my field and then stopped almost dead once I became a mum. I found myself being unable to just shrug off the fact that if I don’t keep active in my field, I don’t develop with the trend.
But then, my daughter will be grown soon, and my son who is still unborn, will be too. When the day comes when my kids are out the house, I will still have my skills. They will probably need brushing up, but I am also trying to read a bit, look at the trends and challange myself to think about the subject.
Yes, Delene did go to Kinderkrippe and Nurseries since she was just over 6 months old. I found it good for both me and her. She got to meet all the other kids and play and be cared for properly. We are learning our 3rd language and cannot cut one of them out. Delene is learning fast because she meet people who only speaks German to her. I used to work then in my subject and we both benefitted. Now, I get to take time out to think and read, prepare for the little man. And Delene likes kids and babies already. Granted, as her own brother, she will still be jealous at times, but being with other kids will help.
If I would put the baby in daycare too, I don’t know. We will have to see how our lifes develop.
It is so funny how different choices we all make seem unfathomable….(how could they stay home vs. how could they go back to work?) as it is so personal and complicated. I went back to work at 4 months (rare to wait that long in the US… given 12 week medical leave), and I couldn’t wait to get back. I had baby blues, not quite post partum depression… but it was a bad mental space. I worried about damaging my oldest with my sad mentl state, actually, if I were to stay home. The colic did me in…. (several hours of screaming per day for weeks) … But, kid 2 was easy!! In any case… I’ve never looked back with regret about workign as I am quite involved when I am home. I give 100% attention… and make a point of it. My only sadness creeps in with the realization that with 2 boys.. 1) I will be replaced by their wives someday and 2) I won’t be as close as I am to my mom with my boys (see 1). As my kids are 4 and 18 months, only the moms with grown male kids seem to “get” this idea. And they validate this thought of “losing” their boys to their wives. It makes me sad when I dwell on it. Mamas boys separate from you as part of healthy development in ways that girls do not. You are not replaced — so to speak — by their husbands…
I just discovered your sites and wish very much that I had done so four years ago, when I first moved to Germany…
I have been on the stay-at-home vs. work at a career fence since I left my jobs and everyone I knew and moved to Germany 4 years ago, 8 months pregnant. I have not gone back to work, and have since had another child, but there have been times when I would have loved to have gone back. It is SO HARD to stay at home with a child, even harder with two. There have been days when I’ve thought I’d be happier if I worked outside the home and it would be better for the kids. But then I see my friends who have gone back to work, and with very small children I only see their stress levels increase. Sure, they get some “quiet” time and can maybe eat lunch without interruption, but the rest of their work gets crammed into a very small window: playing with kids, grocery shopping, doctor appointments, cleaning, laundry, etc… Stores are closed here in Bavaria at 8pm Mon-Sat, and are outright closed on Sunday. We must take care of our shopping when we can… work it around kids’ naps and appointments.
I decided that I should accept that my career is indefinitely on hold and that I would try writing a novel, which I’d always wanted to do. The minute that novel was done, I felt at peace. I am going to try to make a career of it. The money is not great and there’s no guarantee that I’ll even get published, but it’s a little something for my mind and it’s flexible.
Maria Shriver wrote a book (sorry, forgot the title… 10 things or something like that) in which she said something I’ll never forget: at work, you’re always replaceable, at home, you’re not. I feel so lucky that staying home is an option for me. There are days when i want to pull my hair out, but I think this is the best decision for me.
Great perspective! I think a family is a team and everyone has their role. All families need to find what works for them.
{ 1 trackback }