I have been on the stay-at-home vs. work at a career fence since I left my jobs and everyone I knew and moved to Germany 4 years ago, 8 months pregnant. I have not gone back to work, and have since had another child, but there have been times when I would have loved to have gone back. It is SO HARD to stay at home with a child, even harder with two. There have been days when I’ve thought I’d be happier if I worked outside the home and it would be better for the kids. But then I see my friends who have gone back to work, and with very small children I only see their stress levels increase. Sure, they get some “quiet” time and can maybe eat lunch without interruption, but the rest of their work gets crammed into a very small window: playing with kids, grocery shopping, doctor appointments, cleaning, laundry, etc… Stores are closed here in Bavaria at 8pm Mon-Sat, and are outright closed on Sunday. We must take care of our shopping when we can… work it around kids’ naps and appointments.

I decided that I should accept that my career is indefinitely on hold and that I would try writing a novel, which I’d always wanted to do. The minute that novel was done, I felt at peace. I am going to try to make a career of it. The money is not great and there’s no guarantee that I’ll even get published, but it’s a little something for my mind and it’s flexible.

Maria Shriver wrote a book (sorry, forgot the title… 10 things or something like that) in which she said something I’ll never forget: at work, you’re always replaceable, at home, you’re not. I feel so lucky that staying home is an option for me. There are days when i want to pull my hair out, but I think this is the best decision for me.

Maria’s points about the complexity of this issue are good ones. It’s rare to have the luxury of choice in this situation, especially in the USA right now. And having that luxury is closely related to some of the points you’ve made, Christina, both here and on your personal blog, about universal health care. Some parents work for money, some work for love, and some work so they can take their kids to the pediatrician once a year.

Having said all that, I’m choosing to go back to work full time in a couple of weeks, for the first time since my son was born. I am so grateful for the past 2 1/2 years, when I spent most of my time caring for my child. Those years have also taught me that I am not cut out to stay home with him full-time any longer.

I’ll work on a post about this in the next few days, I think it’s an interesting topic. I’d be grateful to hear from other moms around the world about their situations too.

I understand her. Her scientific career is an important part of her identity, and losing even a couple months in research can set your career back a long ways (the same can be said in a lot of fields). Probably in part because of my experiences in grad school, I have chosen differently. And it’s not that I haven’t been tempted to work, the university here was looking for a statistician to work on an HIV vaccine trial earlier, and that was something I thought I’d really like to do and it was very tempting.

I agree with you, every family and every parent’s situation is different and we all need to find the path that’s right for us. For some that’s working and for some it’s staying home. I even read an article a couple months ago about mothers who chose to leave their families and children. At first, I couldn’t imagine it, but after reading the article, I really respected the decisions they came to.

While the lady should not have interrogated you, I do not think it’s fair to suggest that her career or money is more important than family either.