Mamas Worldwide » Parenting

Thoughts on Parenting

Christina — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 11:25:58 +0000

My New Years Resolution this year was to get back to blogging, on all my blogs. So far, this hasn’t worked out great, Leo is crawling and during the hour nap that he takes in the morning while Oliver is in preschool, I often try to do things like shower, do laundry, wash dishes, or just catch up on reading articles on the internet. It was while doing the latter that I came across two articles that point straight to the reason that this blog ground to a halt earlier this year.

I started this blog because I had parenting issues I wanted to write about that didn’t fit in with the theme of my expat blog. Along that line, I realized that what I wanted to do most was to build a community where parents from around the world could share their experiences, good and bad, in a supportive environment. I wanted to bring parents together.

The Problem

As I read more and more parenting sites, I saw that most of the popular sites aim to divide us and I became quite jaded towards the idea of parenting blogs. As we see in the news media, extremism gets more ratings than moderation. But we do it to ourselves as well.

The two recent, “in the news” articles that affected me, are the introductory post of Mayim Bialik (the actress who portrayed “Blossom” and now has a PhD in neuroscience and practices Attachment Parenting) on the TODAYMoms blog and the article in the New York Times by Amy Chua, a professor at Yale Law School, Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior.

It’s not necessarily what was written, but the comments, which I found so disappointing. So many commenters full of vitriol and personal attacks against the author and other parents. As the child of a Tiger Mom and as an AP parent, I’d like to comment on both these articles.

My Parents

My mother was a very critical, typical Asian “Tiger mom,” and expected only the best. If I came home with a 96, I could expect to be asked why it wasn’t a 100. My father, however, was a typical American dad. To be honest, my feelings now are that my mother was too strict and my father was too lax. I love them both, but that’s how I saw it.

In high school, I completely rebelled against my mother’s strictness, and my father allowed me to do whatever I wanted. Even as a grad student, my mom wanted me home by 10pm, while my dad would allow me to stay out all night. I turned out okay in the end, my brothers and I all turned out well-adjusted and successful, despite having a Tiger mom and an American dad (the “despite” was a joke).

My Own Parenting Choices

I’ve chosen to be an AP mom. Actually, I chose to follow my instincts. I didn’t know a lot of parents when I had my first child, so I didn’t have any idea what to do. I just did what felt right. Six months in to parenting, someone mentioned to me that what I was doing was called Attachment Parenting. I looked it up and thought, yes, this is exactly right. Here are some thoughts about what I read said about the AP lifestyle in the comments to the TODAYMoms blogpost:

We co-sleep. My husband and I and our two kids. Oliver sleeps in a toddler bed pushed up against our queen sized bed, we’ve got a bed rail on the other side, and follow safe co-sleeping practices. For critics who wonder how a marriage can function if kids are in the marriage bed, there are plenty of other places to enjoy a marriage outside of the bed. It’s pretty exciting to brainstorm how and where you want to do it next.

We extended breastfeed.

In public. Breastfeeding in public isn’t the same as urinating or defecating, it is feeding a child. Eating in public is perfectly legal. I might not want to see everyone out there eating in public, depending on their table manners, but generally I manage to ignore what other people are doing at their tables.

Another point made, is that it is for the mom and not for the child. You cannot make a child breastfeed, especially when they have teeth. If a child doesn’t want to nurse, the child will bite and no mom wants that.

Finally, there was criticism that many parents can’t do everything that goes with being AP. That’s not what AP is about. AP is mainly about taking biology into account. Our children are biologically wired a certain way, they are still the same, biologically, as a child born 10,000 years ago. It was best then for a child to be upset to be away from it’s mother.

Now, we are no longer hunter-gatherers, we live in a modern society and can’t raise our children exactly the same, but we can take the biological needs of our children into account and try to fit them into our lives as best we can. AP means listening to your instincts about what is right for your family. If the family can’t sleep all together because the kids or the parents are light sleepers, or you prefer to have sex in your bed with the kids tucked safely away in their own rooms, then it’s okay not to cosleep. If you can’t breastfeed because of health or mental or any other problems, it’s okay. Formula is not as good as breast milk, but it is acceptable. It is not poison. I was raised on it and so were most of the kids of my generation. I can’t carry my kids as much as I’d like because of back problems. That’s okay. You do what you can.

In the end, I know a lot of families and a lot of children. I don’t know a single family who parents exactly the same as any other family, and all the children I know are turning out fine.

What are your thoughts on parenting?

What's your mothering style?

Christina — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 01:44:49 +0000

An old friend of mine just sent a link around to this MotherStyles quiz and I found it really interesting. It’s a Myers-Briggs type quiz analyzing your mothering/parenting style. Turns out I’m an INTP mom, or a “Love of Learning” mom, who excels at calmness, and fostering independence and love of learning, but struggles with routine and order. I think that’s pretty accurate, and if I remember correctly, my Myers-Briggs type is INTP as well.

What’s your mothering style?

My thoughts on being a stay at home mom

Christina — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 22:06:31 +0000

It seems we all here at Mamas Worldwide needed the summer off! If you are interested in writing a guest post or possibly becoming a contributor, we welcome your interest, get more details on our contact page.

It’s been a good summer for us. My son Oliver turned two and we’re still breastfeeding, two topics I want to write about in the near future, but today I wanted to write my thoughts on another subject. This afternoon we met up with some colleagues of my husband for lunch. They just had a baby together, and the mother is looking forward to putting her son into daycare at 6 months old at the latest and getting back to work full time. I was supportive of this, I know in science that long breaks can hurt careers, but she went on to interrogate me about when I’m going back to work and have I looked at all the local companies, have I talked to my friends in the industry. The idea that I would give up my career, after all those years of studying, seemed incomprehensible to her.

I’ve felt this at times myself, of course, I think we all have those occasional “What if” moments. Sure, I could be slaving away in research, or making big bucks at a pharmaceutical company, but family is more important to me than my career or money. I wonder sometimes if it might have something to do with having lost the two family members I was closest to, my grandmother and my father, and my father being only 54 at the time of his death from cancer. All I have left of my dad are the memories of the times we had together. I look forward to the memories Oliver and I will be making together. Of course working moms have those moments with their kids too, but perhaps because of my experiences (and the fact that I have the option to choose to stay at home), being with my child is the most important thing in my life.

I feel like this is the time of my son’s life where he can’t have enough of me around, and that won’t always be the case. Before I know it, he’ll be in school, and have friends he wants to hang out with, then he’ll have girlfriends, and be off to college, and starting a life and family of his own. The past two years with him have flown by, the next 20 will too.

Oliver starts Kindergarten next year (German preschool), and he’ll be gone every day for half the day. I’ll have spent almost 3 years with hardly any separation from him. Three years that will go far in forming the man he’ll become, and three years that I’ll cherish. Out of an expected 85 year lifespan, what’s wrong with devoting 3 full years, or even 10 or 18 years to my child? It’s certainly not the right choice for everyone, having a balanced life is an important example for kids too, but the way I live is what feels right to me.

Book Review - Maybe One

Blythe — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 22:38:55 +0000

Being an only child requires patience. There’s a lot of explaining about not having siblings, and about whether that was “strange” and about how Disneyland might have been more fun with a sibling but if I’d had a sibling my parents couldn’t have afforded to take me to Disneyland. It requires listening to people talk about how only children are terribly spoiled and trying to decide whether to enlighten them or not. It means I frequently listen out-loud ruminations on why anyone would ever choose to have just one. I’ve never minded the questions, but I’ve also never had much of substance to say, besides that my life seems to have turned out OK so far. But now I’ve got a few more answers.

Bill McKibben, environmental author and educator, wrote Maybe One after he and his wife made the decision to have only one child. It is, as the subtitle describes, a case for smaller families. He is a brave writer, and one of the few I’ve read who states directly that having more babies leads to overpopulation and therefore damage to the earth. That’s sort of a no-brainer, but it’s a controversial statement. Americans, as we know, are locked in a war over reproductive rights and responsibilities. China’s one child policy remains controversial. But it’s a highly relevant discussion topic, and he handles it gracefully.

Beginning with a chapter full of research on why the stigma of being an only child is undeserved, the book brings together a bevy of facts and clinical studies along with anecdotes on small and large families. As an only, I’m biased toward the idea that having a brother or sister doesn’t create a “better” person, but it was nice to read some data that backs up my hunch. And, speaking of his bravery, McKibben brings up religion early in the book as well. He argues that the commandment to “be fruitful and multiply” and “populate the earth” is as much an order to care for those we’ve produced as it is to have babies. And, in possibly my favorite line from the book, he notes that we can probably check “populate the earth” off our to-do list. Mission: Accomplished.

The largest portion of Maybe One is devoted to environmental issues. This section wasn’t the most compelling to me, for a couple of reasons. One: Like most Americans, I will consider environmental concerns as I choose my family size, but they won’t be the sole deciding factor. I care about population density, but I care about my child and my family’s immediate happiness more (a bit of a humbling admission, but I’m doing my best to be honest). Two: I only discovered this book recently, but it was published in the late 90’s. Many of the issues discussed are either in much worse or somewhat better shape than they were ten years ago, so it seemed a bit dated. But I got the point: family size (yes, even, and sometimes especially, in Western countries) has a huge impact on the long-term health of our planet and the human race.

The book ends with the acknowledgment that this decision is as much about parents’ emotions and beliefs and hopes as it is about our planet. McKibben has kind words for large families as well as small, and strives not to alienate those who choose to have a bunch of kids. He asks only that we think carefully about it first.

The SAH vs. working parent debate

Christina — Sun, 10 May 2009 07:15:47 +0000

Happy Mother’s Day! Today, I’m up early and my guys are sleeping in, but that’s fine with me because I have a little time for myself.

My mother and I butted heads often when I was young, but becoming a mother myself, and moving to another country, just as she did, have really given me a lot of insight into our relationship.

And what are my thoughts on motherhood this Mother’s Day? Recently while browsing the internet, I popped over to A Free Man and read his Open Letter to a SAHM. While the article is mostly his defense of him and his wife being working parents, with a couple barbs at SAHMs, the real debate gets going in the comments section.

SAHMs get accused of wasting their education, losing contact with reality, not living fully, and turning their kids into self-centered, spoiled brats. One commentor even refers to SAHMs as Republicans who would rage at the sight of cleavage (I have no idea where that comment came from, cause most SAHMs I know are FAR from that).

Why do we need to attack each other in this way?

I always tried to be understanding of parents who made different decisions than I did, but on occasion I would have to bite my tongue about the “bad choices” I thought they were making. With time though, and after reading Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape The Way We Parent, I’ve fully accepted that there are as many ways to raise children as there are parents, and that kids all over the world turn out fine.

There is no one right way to parent.

There are certainly wrong ways to parent: physical, emotional and sexual abuse are too common, as are neglect and endangerment, but most parents don’t do these things, most parents are trying the best that they can, and we should support them in this.

I know many stay at home parents, and I can honestly say that they are all great parents and have great kids. I also know many working parents who put their kids in day care. They are also all great parents and have great kids. I thought about it a long time, and I can’t come up with anyone I know who is a “bad” parent. (Maybe it’s because Oliver isn’t in school yet, I don’t know).

But I thought I’d address a couple of the accusations:

You’re wasting your education — This was a difficult one for me, because for some time I wondered about whether it was true. I wondered if, by not writing my PhD thesis, I was wasting my education. But I enjoyed all those years in school, and that education has shaped who I am now. If I hadn’t done it, I would be a different person, in a different place. Just because I’m not working doesn’t mean I’m not using my education. I use the analytical skills I learned in everything I do.
You’re lazy — Ummm, I think anyone who has spent a day with a baby or toddler knows this isn’t true. It’s one of those terms that is thrown around as a personal attack to try an undermine the other person. Small children require constant attention. It is much more stressful than work ever was for me. But I, personally, think raising my child is my most important job at the moment. Even with older children, there’s homework to help out with, soccer practice, music lessons, and plenty of other things to fill up your day.
You’ll be bitter — I think this is more a reflection on our mother’s and grandmother’s generation. Women now have the choice to either stay home or work. Back then, women had very little choice about it, they often had little power over their own lives. That is a situation that can make you bitter. It wasn’t about being a SAHP.
You’re not living fully — I’m living the life that I want to live. How would living the life YOU want to live give me a fuller life? This works the other way around too. SAHPs should remember that, when we start to get judgmental about working parents.
You’re losing contact with reality — I really don’t know how to address this point. It just seems like a hurtful jab to try and question someone’s sanity. I’m sure there are SAHPs who have lost contact with reality, but I’d guess there are just as many working parents and single people who have done so as well.
Your kids aren’t getting socialized — All the SAHPs I know do some sort of activity that allows their kids to socialize with other kids. We, for example, belong to a German speaking playgroup, an English speaking playgroup, have done a baby swimming course, and start a gymnastics course in the fall. We also get together with friends with kids at least once or twice a week.
You’ll ruin your kid if you make them the center of your universe - I think, if taken to extreme, this can be partly true, but this is also how we are set up biologically. Look at most mothers in the animal kingdom. When they have a baby, that baby is the focus of their life until it is old enough to be independent. Focusing so much that you forget your own needs and feelings is overdoing it, but I think having your child as the center of your universe is normal and healthy. I imagine parents who work have their children at the center of their universe when they are home, and keep them in mind even when they work.

I think in the end, it’s about being comfortable with the choices you make. I think we all have occasional doubts, and we should support each other through these doubts, rather than using them as an opportunity to one-up each other.

What are you thoughts?

Cultural Differences in Parenting

Christina — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 21:10:19 +0000

As the mixed race child of an Asian woman who married a caucasian American man and immigrated to the United States, who then herself married a German and moved to Germany (still with me?), I’ve been aware of cultural differences in parenting styles most of my life. I never really stopped to examine what role cultures play in parenting until reading the book Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent. I could not put this book down. I’d say this is hands down the best parenting book I’ve read so far (and there’s been quite a few), and if you were to only read one parenting book, I would recommend it be this one.

In this book, the author first discusses the biological needs of babies, namely, how babies evolved. Why do babies cry? What biological reasons lie behind crying? Crying babies got the attention and nutrition they needed to survive.

The baby’s crying is not pathological–all infants around the world do this at two months. Waking up several times a night is not strange–this is what babies are designed to do. Constantly demanding interaction and attention is not the sign of a hyperactive infant–this is what babies need as social animals.

The author cites a researcher who recorded the amount of crying babies did in a famine struck country. When the researcher returned several months later to do follow up, the babies who cried more were more likely to still be alive, while many of the quieter babies had died. So the next time you’re sleepless, pacing the hall with an inconsolable infant, maybe it will help to keep in mind that this was a survival mechanism that we in the industrialized world have outgrown the need for, but our biology has not quite caught up to this fact.

The author goes on to present parenting styles of different types of societies. Hunter-gatherer, nomad, horticulturalist and urban parenting styles are described, along with the styles of different ethnicities. The author discusses how middle class American parents often cite fostering independence as their number one goal, while most other culture make no mention of independence as a goal at all.

Americans try to instill self-esteem in their children; self-esteem is a word not easily translated into other languages because the trait is not part of the cultural milieu of other groups–it is of import only in a competive self-achieving society. The Dutch, in contrast, believe that regularity, rest, and cleanliness promote intelligent development, so much so that when children throw tantrums, as they do all over the world, parents assume there has been a break in the child’s routine that has caused the episode.

An especially interesting section of this book was about how people bring the parenting style of their cultures or ethnicities with them when they move to other areas of their country or the world. I realized through this section that I was in many ways raised in an Asian style of child-rearing, and not so much in the middle class American style. I can’t count how many times I said to my mother, “But this isn’t Thailand, this is American. We don’t do things like that here.” (I know I’m going to be paid back for every time I said that though, now that I’m raising a child in Germany.

I also know now that I am raising my son in a hybrid Asian-American style. Perhaps some of the reason attachment parenting seemed so natural to me (I was doing it before I knew it had a name), is that many AP techniques are practiced by Asians. Reading this section also reminded me of how we should be open to the parenting choices other parents make. No one style is right and no one style is wrong.

In one very telling study of Lebanese mothers transplanted to Australia, for example, the clash of cultures was clearly illustrated by how the women approached parenting. The Australian mothers expected their preschoolers to be highly verbal and to be prepared for the rigors of school. The Australian mothers also felt that certain developmental tasks have only a small window of opportunity during which a child can acquire those skills, and that if kids are not poked and prodded they will fall behind and be losers. The Lebanese mothers, in contrast, felt no urge to teach their children any particular skills before they went to school and felt kids would learn skills as they needed them; there was no sense of “it’s too late.” In addition, the Lebanese mothers were much more concerned about their children’s welfare at school. As a result, Australian teachers labeled the Lebanese kids as unprepared for school and overprotected, but the Lebanese mothers felt they were doing what was expected of any mother…

Imagine the Cambodian woman new to America who is told by her physician to make sure the baby sleeps in his own bed. Or imagine the Guatemalan woman who is confused by all the toys her new culture says she must buy for her baby’s happiness. Or what about the British woman who looks in disdain at the Nigerian woman breast-feeding in public. Now, more that ever, we need to understand how culture molds what we do and what others do. By comparing ourselves with others, and comparing each group with yet another, we also obliterate any notions of “normal.”

A somewhat sensitive subject is discussed, the subject of not breastfeeding due to low milk supply:

Lack of milk is, in fact, an urban phenomenon–women in rural areas rarely if ever report that they have stopped breast-feeding because of lack of milk. Some women may be rationalizing their desire to switch to formula. It might also be that stress and anxiety in the urban environment contribute to the failure of the natural system. For example, urban women often lack the multigenerational female support system to help teach them about breast-feeding. Also, by definition, the urban environment means an emphasis on work that is physically and emotionally separated from home life; breast-feeding, or any kind of child care, is sequestered from the rest of urban daily life, unlike the environments of hunters and gatherers, nomadic herders, and horticulturalists. In fact, the urban and Western styles of caretaking make breastfeeding particularly challenging; it is therefore not surprising that mothers in these environments give up.

No style is presented as perfect. While the hunter-gatherer model is the model we had for much of human existence, and thus what children are perhaps most biologically set up for, it is not as a whole ideal for the life we live now.

There is no “perfect” way to care for babies, only trade-offs in which parents weigh the needs of the infant against the constraints of daily life. Babies are clearly adaptable, at least within the parameters of their most basic organic needs.

What works for one set of parents may not work for another, and what is considered normal is only a cultural definition. Kids the world over grow into healthy adults. Sure, we need to take into account what the culture we live in considers “normal,” but we can also learn about the parenting styles of other cultures and peoples and consider if perhaps there aren’t things we can do differently.

Have you noticed differences in parenting between cultures and ethnicities? What have you experienced?

Book Review: Punished by Rewards

Christina — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 21:58:10 +0000

While browsing in a bookstore back in the US last November, I came upon the book Punished By Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes by Alfie Kohn. It sounded pretty interesting so I purchased it and pretty much devoured it. Before writing a review, I figured I better read it again a little more slowly, which is why I’m just now getting a review out to you.

In this book, the author discusses the science of applied behaviorism (the use of praise/rewards and punishments to control behaviors) and how, when applied to humans as a motivational technique, it doesn’t work. According to Kohn, this is pretty accepted in the psychological community, with applied behaviorists even offering only that applied behaviorism probably doesn’t hurt motivation.

The book then goes on to describe how rewards have become commonplace in the business world, the classroom, and in parenting. A couple of examples he describes: Employees get bonuses, and eventually they’ll come to expect them and feel punished if they don’t receive a bonus anymore, or don’t get as high a bonus as they were expecting. I can’t count the number of friends and family members who’ve complained and considered quitting because their bonus wasn’t high enough and the department idiot got X much more than them. Kids are graded (he’s against this) and often children with the highest grade on a test will get an award like Student of the Week (I got it once in 7th grade French class), setting them up as competitors instead of fostering team work and collaboration. On this subject, he writes:

Everyone else is a potential obstacle to one’s own success. If the reward system sets people up as one another’s rivals, the predictable result is that each will view the others with suspicion and hostility and, depending on their relative status, perhaps with contempt or envy as well.

Why do we use rewards?

Because they’re easier — in the short term. Here is a longer excerpt addressing this question:

Rewards do not require any attention to the reasons that the trouble developed in the first place. You don’t have to ask why the child is screaming, why the student is ignoring his homework, why the employee is doing an indifferent job. All you have to do is bribe or threaten that person into shaping up…

A mother in Virginia wrote to me not too long ago to challenge my criticism of behavioral manipulation. “If I cannot either punish (or allow consequences) or reward (bribe) my children… what do I do when my almost three year old… wanders out of her room again and again at bedtime?” she asked. Fair enough: let us consider three possible ways of dealing with a child who will not stay in bed. Behaviorist A favors “consequences”: “If you’re not back in that bed by the time I count to three, young lady, you won’t be watching television for a week!” Behaviorist B favors rewards: “If you stay in bed until morning for the next three nights, honey, I’ll buy you that teddy bear you wanted.”

But the nonbehaviorist wonders how anyone could propose a solution without knowing why the child keeps popping out of bed. With very little effort we can imagine several possible reasons for this behavior. Maybe she’s being put to bed too early and simply isn’t sleepy yet. Maybe she feels deprived of quiet time with her parents, and the evening offers the best opportunity for her to cuddle or talk with them. Maybe she’s still wound up from what happened a few hours earlier and needs to rehearse and clarify the day’s events to try to make sense of what happened. Maybe there are monsters under her bed. Or maybe she can just hear people talking in the living room. (Is there anyone too old to remember how all the excitement seemed to start after we were put to bed?)

The point is we don’t yet know what’s really going on… Each of the possible explanations for why this girl doesn’t stay in bed at night would seem to call for a different solution. (This is one of the reasons it is difficult to give a simple reply to people who demand to know what “the alternative” is to using rewards.) Rewards are not actually solutions at all; they are gimmicks, shortcuts, quick fixes that mask the problems and ignore reasons. They never look below the surface.

Rewards don’t really work

Kohn explains that rewards and punishments are controls used to try to manipulate the behavior of others, and no one likes to be on the receiving end of manipulation. I sure don’t. And while they might work in the short term, in the long term they tend to have either no, or the opposite, effect. He cites studies that found that kids told they were toy testers and given incentives to play with certain toys did not play with them after their “test-periods” were over, while kids in control groups not given incentives played just as much with the toys afterwards. In another study he cites, kids given tutoring and money for good grades performed more poorly academically than kids just given tutoring. In the Afterword, Kohn writes about rewards in business:

Not a single controlled study has ever found that the use of rewards produces long-term improvement in the quality of work. In fact, experimental simulations continue to suggest that the opposite is true.

Rewards in schools:

In 1995 two researchers… designed a two year experiment in which “adolescent girls at risk of school failure” were offered financial incentives for improving performance. The result: contrary to the experimenters’ prediction, these students ended up doing worse with respect to both grades and school absences than did girls who received social and educational services without any rewards. More remarkably, they also did worse than the control group — that is, the girls who were just left alone! As we’ve seen in other studies, offering rewards proved to be not merely ineffective but actually counterproductive.

And on reward use in parenting:

We live in a culture where the highest compliment a parent can receive is that his or her kid is “well behaved” (read: docile). When strangers in restaurants tell us how “good” our daughter is, they don’t mean that she is admirable in an ethical sense but merely that she hasn’t been a nuisance to them. No wonder people declare matter-of-factly that it’s simply unrealistic to do without treats and threats: these tactics may indeed be necessary if our goal is to produce children who spend their lives just doing what they’re told.

Final thoughts

This book really resonated with me. I did poorly in school and absolutely hated controlling teachers. I figured out the absolute minimum it took for me to pass a class and that’s all I would do. My high school GPA upon graduation was 2.7 out of 4.0. I would just pass any course that was required, then ace my electives. And I’m not talking electives like art, I went to a total nerd school. I got a D in English, in History, in Calculus, in Physics, then got As in classes like Robotics, Artificial Intelligence, and AP Government.

I went to college at VCU, a lower ranked state school, because of this, and my undergraduate work was only slightly better (mainly because the coursework was a lot easier). It wasn’t until graduate school that I cared about studying. Once I was fully in charge of picking my coursework, I didn’t have any problems with grades anymore. My Masters GPA at VCU was 3.8 and my GPA while I was a PhD student in statistics at Duke University was a 4.0.

The chores my parents paid me to do while I was growing up are the chores I absolutely hate doing now. They’re the ones I’ll do dead last, the ones I’ll leave till they are past being an absolute necessity. I have no problem scrubbing the bathroom and mopping the floors, but washing the dishes? Vacuuming? NO WAY!

What the author said about using rewards really made sense to me. Before reading this book, anytime Oliver did anything good, I’d praise him enthusiastically, “Wow! That’s so great! What a good boy you are!” Now, if I’m really amazed, I’ll praise him, but if he’s building a tower for the hundredth time, I’ll just do as Kohn suggests and say, “You did it!”, letting him make his own judgment about what he did.

The author has also written a book Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason, which focuses more on the parenting aspect. I’ve been told it’s a good read, but is more theory than practical advice. It’s on my wishlist now anyways, so maybe later on this year you’ll get a review of that book.

What are your thoughts on using praise and rewards?

Book Review: The Parking Lot Rules

Christina — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 16:04:34 +0000

I’m not really sure what led me to buy Parking Lot Rules & 75 Other Ideas for Raising Amazing Children. I guess it was the glowing Editorial Reviews on Amazon.com, as I bought it a couple months ago and as of today, there are only five customer reviews (4 of which gave 5 stars).

When it arrived, I eagerly started reading, and after only a couple rules, closed it up and placed it on my bookshelf. I could tell almost immediately that this book was not for me. I finally decided to pick it up again and read it all the way through to provide you with a review.

My opinion: it is not for parents practicing attachment parenting. It may be useful to Ferberizer/Baby-Trainer parents.

Here are some of the rules that I most had something to say about:

#7 Almost Always Skip The First Thing That Comes To Mind

As parents, when we see our children falter, so often the first thing that comes to mind is a harsh or judgmental comment.

Oliver is only 17 months, so maybe I’m just too new a parent, but harsh and judgmental things don’t jump into my mind when he falters. They don’t generally jump into my mind when people around me falter unless I’m already in a pretty foul mood. I think perhaps it would be better, if this happens to you, to reflect on why criticism is the first thing that comes to mind. I suggest that the next time it happens to you, try to examine what it is you yourself are feeling, and once you recognize what you are going through, maybe this will help you feel less critical in the future.

#10 Every Day Stay Healthy, Techniques to Avoid the Common Cold

This is one of many rules obsessed with germs and cleanliness. While I agree that hand washing is important, I’m not going to have my child gargle with mouthwash every time he brushes his teeth (this does not reduce the chance of getting a cold anyways, and if you are using mouthwash with alcohol, could even encourage the growth of more aggressive bacteria in your child’s mouth), I’m not going to turn away another child with a cough or sniffle by giving them a cookie and sending them on their way until they “feel better,” nor will I instruct him to “blow, cough, spit, snort, tongue-scrap, whatever,” all extra mucus from his body as it is “a harbinger of ill health and an enemy of your child’s good health.” If his nose is running, I’ll wipe it, but this other advice just seems a tad extreme. Nor will I instruct him, as described in rule #12 No Hands To The Face or rule #13 Why Germs Love Money, that he should stay healthy by never touching his face or handling money. Kids need to be exposed to some germs in order to develop healthy immune systems. I believe that a harsh, anti-germ, philosophy of child-rearing is what has led in recent years to the increase in allergies, as the immune system starts attacking the allergens due to a lack of anything real to fight.

#15 The Excellent Question Game

I was driving my son Thomas to baseball practice a few years ago. He was digging around the backseat of the car for change among the cookie crumbs and finally he asked me how much money I thought he had found.

Not intending to be mean or diminishing, I responded, “Well, that’s not really an excellent question, is it?” He asked me, “Why not?” I said, “Because you already know the answer. An excellent question would be one where you do not know the answer.”

The author goes on to describe a game played with his extended family where the children asked questions and he would rate them as “Okay, Good, Great, or the ultimate ‘Excellent question!’”

While I think it’s great to encourage your children to be curious and question things, something about this rule rubs me the wrong way. Maybe it’s that I’d like my child to come to his own conclusion about his questions, in his own time.

#23 Kids Court

Kids Court should be run like a real court. Be incredibly just with your questions as well as your verdicts. Be formal and respectful.

Kids court makes you the judge and jury in your children’s disagreements. I don’t like the encouragement of adversarial roles nor the placement of the parent as the authority over the children. This is because I believe in attachment parenting and that children and parents should work for a compromise together. Solutions should be something all parties agree to, rather than there being a judgment on a winner and a loser. That’s my philosophy and I’m not saying it’s right for everyone, but it is for my family.

#25 The Other Side Of The Freeway

This rule tries to teach your child to measure feelings. One example the author offers is the day that he needed to drop his son off for a sleepover at a friends and there was a traffic jam on the other side of the freeway:

Knowing that I was now going to be very late for an appointment back at the office, I sighed and leaned over to my Sam. “You see that mess over there? I have to drive back in all that–just to get back to the office.” He looked over at the backed-up freeway and said, “I’m so sorry, Dad. You don’t have to take me…” I smiled and said he could measure my love for him by looking at all those stoped cars.

After his son threw a Hooked on Phonics card at his face:

I did not say the first thing that came to my mind. I did not say anything for ten seconds. I did not raise my voice. When I dabbed a spot of blood from my face, I looked over at him and whispered, “If I was a hitting daddy, I would be hitting you right now.”

While I like the idea of trying to give your children an idea of the size of your love, I find the freeway example loaded with guilt. And the second example, I just find downright threatening. I would respond in this situation by saying, “OW! That really hurts! I don’t like it when things are thrown at me, it really hurts to get hit in the face.” Instead of focusing on what could be happening to them, they are forced to focus on how their actions are making you feel, which is an important lesson, I think.

#27 First Bite/Last Bite

In this rule, the child is asked to take one bite of everything on offer, in reward for doing this, they get to take the last bite of anything on your plate that they wish to. I disagree with rewarding a child with food. We just enjoy our meals, escargot, goose liver pate, and Thai red curry included, and if Oliver wants to try them, he can, if he doesn’t, we don’t make him. More often than not, he’s happy to eat everything we do.

#56 Five Very Effective Nonviolent Punishments

1. The Silent Treatment — child should be forbidden to talk or communicate in any way

2. Do NOT go to your room — make her room off limits

3. The writing punishment — have him write [a brief sentence] over and over and over

4. Make him apologize to the whole family

5. Have your child run laps

Social ostracism, drilling, embarrassment and corporal punishment do not fit into my philosophy of discipline.

What do you think of these rules? Do you disagree with me? I’m still a fairly new parent, so I’d love to hear your take.

More on attachment parenting

Christina — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 15:17:56 +0000

I’ve made my guest blogging debut over on the Attachment Parenting International blog, API Speaks, writing about What Presence Means to Me. A preview:

I can’t count the number of times that someone has told me that I need to get out of the house without my son. I’ve been told to get a regular babysitter or to put him in daycare, so that I can have time for myself. While I agree that moms do need time to themselves (I like to de-stress in a long bath with a book by my side once a week and go to dinner and a movie with friends occasionally), I am happy to share my life with my 15 month old son. (read more…)

The Carnival of Presence is also posted. There were 15 great entries on the subject of Giving Your Children Presence, including my post on How “Socialism” Helps Me Give My Child Presence. They’re having a contest over at API Speaks, and I think there’s still time to enter:

Those who participated in the carnival, linked to the carnival on their blog, and those who go out and read one of the entries below and comment on this post with their thoughts on the carnival entry they read will all get a chance to win one of the following prizes:

Grand Prize: A one-year membership to Attachment Parenting International.

First Prize: A set of Bless You Mom affirmation cards and a copy of Judy Arnall’s book, Discipline Without Distress.

Honorable Mention: A copy of The Successful Child from the Sears Parenting Library.

Go check ‘em out!

You may also be interested in reading:

Web find: The Imperfect Parent

Christina — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 21:36:39 +0000

I recently came across a new-to-me parenting website, The Imperfect Parent, and I gotta wonder how I managed to get along without this site for so long. The contributors and readers accept and even bask in their imperfections, very different to the judgmental parents found at some of those other parenting websites.

What would you do if faced with a house full of kids and animals and a mystery pile of poop in the living room? Read Margaret Curran’s answer in Whose Poop is This?

Wondering what some toy designers are thinking? Check out the WTF!?! Toy Roundup.

Feeling dumpy? Browse their MILF Handbook.

What’s your favorite parenting website?